HauerTo: Beating the Winter Chill Without Becoming a Human Popsicle

It’s too *bleeping* cold outside, and let’s be honest, even penguins would be whining about this. If you absolutely must leave the warmth of your Netflix cocoon, here are three hacks to survive the tundra:

1. Layer Like a Burrito

Think of yourself as the Chipotle of winter fashion: base layer (thermal), middle layer (sweater), and outer shell (coat). Bonus points for accessorizing with scarves and gloves so thick you’ll lose all dexterity but keep all your fingers. Remember, there’s no such thing as over-layering—just call it "fashionably bulky."

2. DIY Heat Packs

If you can’t feel your fingers, toss some uncooked rice into a sock, microwave it for a minute, and voila—instant hand warmers! Shove them into your gloves or pockets and pretend you’re holding onto tiny tropical vacations. Just don’t mix them up with your snack bag.

3. Grease Your Face

Wind chill is not your friend, but petroleum jelly is. Slather some on your cheeks, nose, and lips before heading out, and you’ll look like a glazed donut that winter can’t crack. Bonus: It doubles as moisturizer, because who isn’t dry as a breadstick in this weather?

Stay warm out there, folks! Or better yet, stay in.